Its now been pointed out to me, by at least 1000 loyal readers, that a fashion oracle, such as myself, should not display a picture in which one of his cohorts is wearing a sleeveless hoodie. I’m certain you have all seen the photo I’m referring to. I sit regally on the couch sipping, if I recall correctly, a mint julep -- no doubt prepared with a healthy portion of Knob Creek. To my left there is a young man, presumably in eyeliner, wearing a hideously offensive, striped sweater with no sleeves and a hood.
Sadly, but for the sake of propriety and my own reputation, I must confess that the couture criminal is none other than my own brother, Mr. Patrick Michael Perreault III.
You can save the jokes about him looking like a cross between the Hamburglar and Bill Belichick. I won’t entertain such cruel slights against him.
Yes, we all know that the sleeveless hoodie takes the cake for being the ugliest hybrid; just when we thought the Prius and Puggle would reign supreme for eternity. However, I will not allow those types of blasphemous, albeit true, comments to be uttered. Not on this blog, not about my flesh and blood.
Look, not all of us are living in the Perreaultashere. Some just orbit around it, like a wayward moon circling a planet alone; confused and without aesthetic grace.
Rather than rub the dust off his fragile, little wings, I urge you to write in. Let him know that while the sleeveless hoodie makes pleated khakis, cargo pants and white dudes wearing Kangol hats seem cool, he still has time to change. Please post your comments soon. There isn’t much time.
Go Well, Brothers
Funny how differently we recall certain things, Perreaultasphere. For example, the fateful evening on which the aforementioned photo was snapped, I distinctly remember you drinking not a mint julep as you claimed, but rather a vodka and pomegranite juice -- heavy on the pom. But I digress.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of your slandering, I'm not mad at you, Perreaultasphere. Its hard to be mad at something that postures at a mere 5'7", and can count only on its orange-haired disposition to distract from its uncommonly low stature.
Unfortunately, one only attracts the other. That is, when from the corner of my eye I spot what appears to be an orange balloon floating around chest high, I feel equally as disgusted by the ghastly weave that sits atop that crown as I do guilty and confused that the good lord would bestow such misfortune on anybody.
And I know why you're mad at the sleevless hoodie. It's no secret. I remember when I bought it, and you insisted upon trying it on. To your dismay and my great amusement, the hoodie was no longer sleeveless when hanging from your tiny body. The sleeves had become full-length. You were humiliated.
I spent so many years handing you the Coco Pebbles from the top shelf in the kitchen, being so far out of your reach that even a chair from the dining room table offered no avail. And I'm here to tell you, Perreaultasphere, that I will continue to hand you your favorite cereal from the top shelf. Even if God has foresaken you as Job's red-headed step child.
Are you two bickering over what is known as a three quarter length, dolman sleeve hoodie? I believe Katherine Hepburn wore many of them in the forties and fifties.
ReplyDeleteIs it even worth saying that I understand how John Kerry must have felt when his own band of brothers swift boated him. Of course, those weren't his real brothers. Perhaps than I should say I know how Abel felt as he lay bleeding.
ReplyDeleteBut before I retire let us clear up a few facts:
1. I'm a long, lean 6'0. Most women say my body reminds them of Brad Pit playing a young George Washington. Visualize that, but not for too long. That would be a sin.
2. My hair is not orange. It's most often described as burnt mahogany or a mixture of brandy wine and molasses.
3. Mother forbid us from eating CoCo Pebbles for breakfast. And god knows, even as a boy ,I was tall enough to enjoy spinach quiche and soyrizo frittatas...
Dawny Webb, You're too good. I always thought Patrick had a Katherine Hepburn thing going
ReplyDeleteWhile I love the Perrault brother banter, I must say I'm a little bothered by the fact that the entire conversation centers around a "sleeveless hoodie" that clearly has sleeves. But then again, maybe if Patrick had been wearing an actual sleevless top, and bearing his bulging biceps, the Ginger would have been too scared to criticize. Find a worthy talking point will you?
ReplyDeleteI liked your pic this morning better. Why are your eyes always closed? Is that bourbon or a bad photographer? If it's bourbon, I understand. Otherwise, you should hire me.
ReplyDeleteHey, Patrick. There is something much worse than the sleeveless hoodie- the sleeveless turtleneck. So feel better.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, short sleeved hoodie.
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ReplyDeleteThe sleeveless hoodie reminds me of summers in Ibiza, watching greasy Spanish boys with mullets trying to out-do one another's euro trashiness. There is just something about the missing sleeves that really bothers me. What boggles the mind is that someone actually made the conscious decision to design that piece of clothing. They thought, "oh yes... let me take a perfectly nice striped hoodie and cut off the sleeves to half length, to make its owner look like a poor man's rent boy. That will be all the rage this year."
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree that short sleeve/sleeveless hoodies are intended for young boys on the verge of a gay breakdown....or adolescent girls feeling frumpy in a Vagisil commercial...I must admit that Patrick is managing to pull his off very nicely. That being said, The curl of hair falling from out of the hoodie is a bit to Guido for me. Also, Perraultasphere...although your bro maybe taller, darker, and handsomer than you...keep your head up...Gingers are making a comeback! you'll soon be as hot as that mop your sporting.
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ReplyDeletesorry...just realized the grease curl is flowing out of a beanie...not the hoodie...still a bit much
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ReplyDeleteperrealtashpere, overall i agree with your assesment of the 1/2 sleeve hoodie. terrible fashion violation.
ReplyDeletebut pat does have some valid points namely that it is impossible to pull off this look without some serious guns, and those pat does appear to have. i think perraultashpere might have to beef up a bit to even attempt to pull of the 1/2 sleeve hoodie. perhaps it is jealousy that this post comes from.
lastly i would love to see a picture of perraultashpere without a drink in his hand and a boozy expression. which begs the question. is boozy stylish?
Alright. This has gone on long enough. Dawny, No. It's not a 3/4 length Dolman sleeve. Emilie, while I appreciate you defending me to some extent, the mere mention of sleeveless turtleneck made me want to dye my own hair red before swallowing fifty valium and gashing my wrists in the bathtub. Oliver, somehow I'm not surprised that you were watching the "greased up Spanish boys during summers in Ibiza". Fox, its not a grease curl. Its ungreased lock that made an unannounced escape from my beanie. I agree its too much. Anna, the only "terrible fashion violation" would be wearing a longsleeve button-up that when the cuff is flipped up, the inside of it reads the recipe of an appletini. Perreaultasphere can loan you his if you want to try it out.
ReplyDeletePerreaultasphere, there isn't too much left to say to you except 2 main points:
1. The proper phrasing would be "Mother forbade us."
2. While you may have rallied you cohorts against my style, I can always remind myself that you resemble a shorter, less good-looking version of Charles Lee Ray, AKA "Chuckie".
Goodnight.
http://media.elasticpop.com/images/Chucky2.jpg
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ReplyDeleteYou try to help someone and this is how they repay you? So many knives in the back, brother. Can you find me a photo of Chucky in a Julius Caesar style toga?
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ReplyDeleteTo comment in any fashion, excuse the pun, would invite the slings and arrows of these dangerous wordsmiths.
ReplyDeleteHowever.
I do feel that short-sleeve hoodies are best left to gay sailors and those who use single letter abbreviations.
SYTYCD?
Does a fashion king really buy teddy bear sheets to cover his bed in a garage?
ReplyDeleteNic,
ReplyDeleteI have to respectfully decline your invitation. As much as I would love to send my slings and arrows your way after that comment, I don't want to risk hitting any of the tots that surround you while you peruse the clearance rack at Baby Gap. You've escaped this time, Costar.
Now GFY.
Ginger,
ReplyDeleteIs that you in that sportscenter commercial that pull up in the "motorhome" and tries to bro down with the crew in the diner.
Nice to see lenarosphere making his way into the Perreaultasphere. Doesn't it feel good in here? Let whats left of your blond locks blow in the the fragrant wind that emanates from Perreault's wings flapping. Go bare foot on the soft shores of Perreault's genius, if you dare. But do not get too comfortable, or you will be pulverized. As if you were that peasant Miguel Cotto and I the Filipino warrior Manny Pacquiao. Go well
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you guys listened to what your Mother forbade you to do.
ReplyDeleteDoes she know about this?